When You Think You’re Done, But You’re Really Just Exhausted

The arrival point
It’s not unusual for couples to walk into my office saying some version of “I’m done.” Sometimes they’ve even looked up discernment counseling and believe that’s what they want—to decide whether to stay or go. They’re not angry anymore, not emotional. They’re just tired.

Over time, I’ve learned that when someone says they’re done, they’re often not finished. They’re depleted. They’ve tried to fix things in all the ways they know how, and they can’t see any more paths forward. What looks like indifference is often exhaustion mixed with grief.

What “trying” has looked like
Many couples genuinely have tried. They’ve read books, listened to podcasts, gone to a retreat, watched videos, or talked endlessly about what’s wrong. But “trying” without guidance can sometimes reinforce the same old dynamic, just with new language. They’re still alone in it.

So when I ask, “What have you done so far?”, the honest answer is often, “Everything except work with someone who really understands this system.” That’s not their fault. It’s just that good help is hard to find, and exhaustion makes everything look hopeless.

When hope feels impossible
“I can’t do this anymore” is rarely a statement of certainty. It’s a statement of pain. It means the nervous system is overloaded, the emotional reserves are gone, and one or both partners don’t believe there’s a different way to relate. It’s not that they want to leave, it’s that they can’t stay like this.

That’s where we begin. Not by pushing for optimism, but by respecting that hopelessness is real and also incomplete.