The Skill We Overlook in Relationships, Listening

Most couples come to therapy saying they have a communication problem. What they usually mean is that they are talking a lot and understanding very little. And this makes sense. In most relationships, conversations begin with the best intentions, but within seconds both partners shift into defending, correcting, rebutting, or shutting down. Research varies, but it consistently shows a similar pattern: people stop truly listening after just a few sentences and begin preparing their reply. In therapy, the consequences of this show up quickly. Couples report feeling dismissed, unheard, or misunderstood, even when the topic is simple.

As a couples therapist, a significant part of my work is listening well. Yes, I teach, guide, and provide evidence-based psychoeducation. But the heartbeat of the work is listening in a way that helps people finally feel understood. Week after week I hear statements like, I said it a hundred times, but he still does not get it or I do not even try anymore because she never really hears me. These are not problems of vocabulary or effort. They are problems of emotional presence.

Listening well is not passive. It is a skill. It is an intervention. And most couples underestimate the impact of not being heard by their partner. When partners talk over each other, interrupt with corrections, or respond from defensiveness instead of curiosity, the nervous system stays in a threat state. No one can connect from that place. What most people do not realize is that listening is often the active change agent in a relationship. It is the moment where tension drops, where reactivity pauses, and where the other person softens enough to stay open.

There is also a cultural tendency to minimize listening. Couples frequently say, I know, I know, I just need to listen as if listening is a small task, almost an afterthought. But listening well is transformational for a relationship. It communicates safety and respect. It allows partners to feel seen, not corrected. It slows the pace of conflict and shifts the discussion from adversarial to collaborative. Most importantly, listening builds emotional security. A partner who feels deeply heard is far more willing to problem-solve, compromise, and take accountability.