What 20000 Therapy Sessions Taught Me About Humanity

What 20,000 Therapy Sessions Taught Me About Humanity

Every so often, a client will say something like, "You probably find me annoying," or "You probably don't like me." It is often said in passing, but it lands. I hear it because it echoes something deeper, usually a fear they have carried into many relationships. But here is what is interesting. The truth is almost always the opposite. I find that I really like my clients. Not just tolerate, not just understand, I genuinely like them.

In fact, that feeling has only grown stronger over the years. At this point in my career, I have likely sat for more than 20,000 sessions. That is 20,000 hours of hearing people’s fears, regrets, longings, tenderness, confusion, courage, and attempts to love better. And what I have found is this: when you sit with someone long enough to hear their real story, not just their behavior, not their soundbites, not their social mask, you almost always find something deeply human, and often deeply lovable.

What strikes me most is how different this feels from how I experience people out in the world. In daily life, I can be impatient, annoyed, even cynical. People can be rude, selfish, bigoted, or thoughtless. And like many, I sometimes find myself disappointed in humanity. But in the therapy room, it is different. Because there, people bring their truth. And when people are honest about what scares them, what shaped them, and what they are trying to do better, even if they are struggling, I find myself rooting for them. I see the goodness that often hides behind the defenses.

It has made me wonder what would happen if we all had more spaces to really listen. What if we approached each other the way I do my clients, not to judge or fix, but to understand?

The world would feel less frightening, less polarized. We would probably be less defensive and more collaborative. Less suspicious, more curious. We would learn what I have learned again and again in session. Most people are doing the best they can with what they have been given, and most want to be understood far more than they want to be right.

I am not saying everyone should become a therapist. But I do think the act of listening, really listening, is more powerful than we give it credit for. And if 20,000 hours of sitting with people has taught me anything, it is that people are rarely as unlikable as we fear they might be. We just do not always take the time to hear them fully.