The Conversation About Mankeeping

The Conversation About "Mankeeping" and Why It Matters for Relationships and Families

There is a term showing up in recent media that may be unfamiliar to many people: "mankeeping." I did not create this term, and I am not using it as a clinical label. It is part of a current cultural conversation, and I am commenting on it from the perspective of what I see in therapy and why it matters in the bigger picture.

Mankeeping, as described in sources like the New York Times, refers to situations where women carry the bulk of the emotional work for their male partners. It draws from the older concept of "kinkeeping," which describes the way women have historically been the ones to maintain family ties and emotional connections. In relationships, mankeeping might mean one partner is the primary listener, encourager, and emotional regulator, while the other relies heavily on that support without contributing equally.

This is not a new interest for me. My doctoral research explored mothers’ perceptions of their influence on their adolescent sons’ development of masculinity. I have essentially been examining the developmental path: how boys are socialized into adulthood, what relational and emotional skills they do or do not acquire along the way, and how maternal influence interacts with cultural norms of masculinity. Now, in my work as a couples therapist, I am seeing the later-stage consequences when those foundational skills are absent: men entering partnerships without the tools for emotional reciprocity, and women carrying the relational labor.

This link between what I studied and what I see in the therapy room gives me a unique perspective on the issue. I am not simply reacting to a trending term. I have spent years studying how male relational competence develops, and how the lack of early relational education ripples through adult partnerships and family systems. I take a deeply systemic view, which means I see these issues not just as personal problems between two people, but as part of larger cultural and developmental patterns that begin long before adulthood.

I see elements of this dynamic in therapy with some regularity. A couple may seek help for conflict about household responsibilities, parenting differences, or changes in intimacy. When we look closer, we sometimes find that one person is doing a disproportionate share of the mental and emotional work for the relationship. In heterosexual couples, this is often the woman, who may feel drained or resentful while her partner may not fully realize the imbalance.

The absence of relational skill-building in childhood and adolescence leaves many adults learning by trial and error, often after significant relational pain such as divorce. In the meantime, the brunt of emotional labor often falls on women. This imbalance does not only affect the couple. It also shapes what their children learn about relationships. Kids watch how their parents communicate, regulate emotions, and share responsibilities. Those observations become their blueprint for adulthood.