When Sex Feels Like A Struggle

When Sex Feels Like a Struggle: Addressing Common Concerns in Intimate Relationships

It’s not uncommon for couples to experience changes in their sexual connection. At some point, many find themselves wondering: Is our lack of intimacy normal? Does this mean something is wrong with our relationship? These questions can feel overwhelming, but they are a normal part of long-term relationships.

If you’ve ever questioned your sexual dynamic, you’re not alone. Many couples face challenges with desire, frequency, and communication around intimacy. In this post, we’ll explore the most common concerns about sex and what they might mean for your relationship.

The Core Issue: Sexual Disconnection

Sexual concerns often stem from deeper relational dynamics, not just physical issues. While couples may focus on how often they’re having sex, the real challenge often lies in emotional disconnection, differing expectations, or past relational wounds. Here are some common concerns that arise in therapy:

• How often should we be intimate?

• Does the length of our encounters matter?

• What if only one of us initiates sex?

• Why don’t I feel desire anymore?

• Is it a problem if I never think about sex?

• What if my partner no longer seems attracted to me?

• Can a healthy relationship exist without sex?

• Is our sexual incompatibility a dealbreaker?

• How do we navigate differing preferences without resentment?

These concerns are common, but they don’t have to mean the end of a fulfilling relationship. Instead, they offer an opportunity to reflect on what’s really happening beneath the surface.

Barriers to Intimacy

Several key factors contribute to sexual disconnection in relationships:

1. Miscommunication and Mismatched Expectations

Many couples struggle to talk about sex openly. Some expect their partner to “just know” what they want, while others avoid the conversation altogether out of discomfort or fear of rejection. Unspoken expectations often lead to misunderstandings and resentment.

2. Emotional and Relational Disconnect

Sex is deeply tied to emotional intimacy. When partners feel distant in daily life—whether due to stress, unresolved conflicts, or lack of quality time—it often manifests as a lack of sexual desire. Rebuilding emotional closeness can be a key step in restoring intimacy.

3. Stress, Exhaustion, and Life Demands

Busy schedules, work stress, parenting, and mental health challenges all impact sexual desire. When partners are running on empty, sex often takes a backseat, not because of lack of love, but due to sheer exhaustion.

4. Personal Histories and Past Trauma

Personal experiences, including past relationships, cultural beliefs, and trauma, can shape one’s relationship with sex. If one partner has unresolved experiences affecting their comfort with intimacy, it’s important to approach the issue with understanding and support.