Why Needs Work Comes Later in Couples Therapy

Beyond His Needs, Her Needs: Why Needs Work Comes Later in Couples Therapy

One of the most popular marriage books of the last few decades is Willard Harley’s His Needs, Her Needs. The book lays out what Harley calls the ten most common emotional needs in marriage: five supposedly universal to men, and five supposedly universal to women. For men, these include sexual fulfillment, admiration, domestic support, recreational companionship, and a physically attractive spouse. For women, the list includes affection, intimate conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment.

If you’re reading this list and thinking, "That feels a little narrow," you’re not alone. Many therapists and relationship experts have critiqued Harley’s framework for reinforcing outdated gender stereotypes. It reduces men to sex, food, and admiration while casting women as emotional dependents looking for affection, support, and loyalty. Real people, men and women alike, are far more complex. Both partners need safety, touch, validation, and honesty. Both partners value being admired and appreciated. Both partners want fun, play, and shared dreams.

This does not mean Harley’s book has no value. It brought language to something couples often struggle with: unmet emotional needs create distance and resentment. But it is important to see it for what it is, a descriptive snapshot of one era, not a timeless, research-based map of human intimacy.

In modern couples therapy, I find that working on "needs" is not where we begin. Couples often arrive with little ability to regulate emotions in conflict, to listen without interruption, or to soften their tone enough to be heard. Asking them to voice deep emotional needs in that state usually backfires. It comes out as critique: "You never talk to me" instead of "I miss feeling close when we share our days." The form is off, so the need lands as blame instead of vulnerability.

That is why I treat needs work as an advanced stage in therapy. First we build the foundation:

• basic emotional regulation, so conflict does not spiral out of control

• learning how to notice when your nervous system is activated and settle it

• shifting from attack-defend cycles to open, slower dialogue

• practicing the form of communication, softer tone, more vulnerable wording, pausing to check intent