Unpacking Dishonesty in Couples Therapy

Why Lie When the Truth Would Do? Unpacking Dishonesty in Couples Therapy

There’s a phrase that gets tossed around in frustration, often with a mix of exasperation and disbelief: “He’d lie when the truth would suit him better.” It’s said when a partner lies about something seemingly trivial—a forgotten chore, a minor expense, who texted them, what time they got home. And the underlying question is always: Why lie about that?

The quick and easy answer is “because they shouldn’t have lied.” And while that’s not wrong, it’s also not helpful. If it were that simple, couples wouldn’t need therapy.

As a couples therapist, I rarely see lying as purely manipulative or malicious. Instead, lies—especially small ones—often reveal more about the relational environment than the person telling them.

Let’s look at what lying can signal in a long-term relationship:

• Avoidance of conflict or emotional fallout. If telling the truth predictably leads to disproportionate anger, punishment, or shutdown, a partner may begin to omit or distort reality to maintain peace.

• Shame or fear of disappointing the other. Sometimes people lie not because they don’t care, but because they care deeply—and fear that the truth will make them look lazy, weak, impulsive, or unlovable.

• Poor boundaries or underdeveloped emotional differentiation. Lying can emerge when someone hasn’t yet developed the internal capacity to hold onto their own perspective under emotional pressure.

• Learned self-protection. Many people grew up in families where truth-telling led to humiliation, rejection, or chaos. Lying became a skill for survival—long before they ever met their partner.

• A pattern has been established. Sometimes couples unconsciously create dynamics where one partner plays the role of “parent” and the other the “child.” In those cases, lying becomes part of the script: one hides, the other chases.

So when a client says, “I lied because I knew how she’d react,” I don’t hear that as an excuse—I hear it as a breadcrumb trail. It points to something deeper that’s happening between them.