The Moment Everything Clicks in Couples Therapy

“It’s not me, it’s you.” That’s the unspoken belief many couples bring into therapy. One partner—sometimes both—is convinced that if the other person would just change, things would finally get better.

But what if the problem isn’t a person—but a pattern?

One of the most powerful shifts in couples therapy happens when partners stop seeing each other as the enemy and start recognizing the dance they’ve been stuck in together. And often, this realization isn’t purely intellectual—it’s something they feel in their body. A moment of relief, clarity, even curiosity about themselves and their partner. It’s like unlocking a door they didn’t even know was there.

So why do so many couples start with a “one of us is the problem” mindset?

1. The Desire for Certainty – Blame simplifies things. It’s uncomfortable to sit in the unknown, so our brains want a clear explanation for why things feel bad.
2. Self-Protection – Owning our part in a conflict requires vulnerability, and that can be hard when we already feel hurt or misunderstood.
3. Cultural Narratives – We’re taught that a good relationship means one person “gets it right” and the other just needs to improve.
4. The Need to Win – Some couples get caught in a cycle of proving who’s right, rather than focusing on understanding each other.
5. Perceived Control – If one person is the issue, then fixing the relationship seems simple: change them. But real change happens when both people shift their approach.

The real breakthrough comes when couples stop asking, “Who’s the problem?” and start asking, “How did we get here together?” Because once they see the pattern, they can finally begin to change it.