Is Conflict or Arguing Part of Healthy Relationships?

Bet you didn't know that when couples come in and report they do not have conflict, that it really gets a marriage counselor's attention! Why is that? Well, conflict is part of healthy relationships. Healthy conflict, productive conflict, the kind of conflict where, even if there are uncomfortable moments, yet the couple walks away with a new understanding of each other. This is one of the many considerations and skills, yes skill, couples learn in marriage counseling. So when a couple is not having conflict, the concern of the marriage counselor is that the couple is disconnected and maybe even moving towards a level of detachment. And then how will the relationship continue if one or both of you is checked out? So yes, conflict or arguing is part of a healthy relationship.

What I see as a therapist is that people often don't have any idea what healthy conflict looks like, sounds like, and feels like. And that's where I can help couples learn about this but also feel it from the safety of my couch. We practice new ways of communicating that are productive, from a place of more tender emotions and vulnerability, until the couple develops some muscle memory around this new way of communicating.

Once I had a client inquire, "What's the deal with therapists and sharing emotion?" That was a great question! The answer is emotion is the super highway of bonding. And couples thrive when there is emotional connection. They become greatly distressed when they are emotionally disconnected. So actually conflict offers a place to win as a couple, to go a bit deeper and share emotions that create bonding moments. If you'd like to learn more about this, I'd love to be your couple's therapist.