Intent Does Not Determine Impact

Intent Doesn’t Determine Impact – The Disconnect That Derails Couples

"That’s not what I meant."

It’s one of the most common phrases I hear in couples therapy—usually right after one partner expresses hurt and the other rushes to defend themselves.

The logic makes sense: I didn’t mean to hurt you, so you shouldn’t be hurt.

But here’s the problem—intent doesn’t determine impact. And in relationships, it rarely solves anything either.

This phrase—intent vs. impact—has become a popular concept on social media, especially in conversations about privilege, bias, and relational accountability. But it plays out just as often at home, between partners who love each other but keep missing each other.

In therapy, when someone says “That’s not what I meant”, I hear a few things:

• A desire to be understood and not mischaracterized

• Anxiety about being seen as the “bad guy”

• A signal that we’re veering off course—away from empathy and into self-defense

This is usually a cue to slow things down.

Why is this so important in couples work?
Because the gap between intent and impact is where most relational pain lives.

Let’s look at a common example:

• Partner A says, “When you interrupted me in front of our friends, I felt dismissed.”

• Partner B says, “That wasn’t my intention—I was just adding to the conversation.”

And now we’re stuck. Partner B thinks they’ve clarified. Partner A feels more hurt—maybe even erased. Because instead of staying in the feeling, the conversation shifted to a defense of intent.

Here’s what both partners usually need to learn:

• Your intent matters—to you. Your impact matters—to the relationship.

• We can hold space for both: You didn’t mean to hurt them, and it still hurt.